We’re Being Held Hostage By Marmaduke -Life’s Little Surprises

Okay, so I wrote half this post and then it just suddenly disappeared so I think dogs must be able to fool with computers somehow….he’s still out there…if this post just cuts off, someone come check on us 🙂

So how did we get in this hostage situation?

One of my children had the brilliant idea that we should take our dogs for a walk this morning.  Now you are thinking, “What’s the big deal?  Isn’t that what good owners do? ”

Yes, if you have normal dogs.  But I don’t have normal dogs.  Have you met my Annie and Arthur before?  They are HYPER and they take people for walks.  Then they hog tie them with their leashes and leave rope burns as tatoos to let you know they were there.  If I’m in an ornry mood I take them to a dog park so they can go terrorize other people’s dogs and so I can have a clean conscience that they got some socialization.

Anyway, knowing that Abby will have a major diva meltdown if she doesn’t get to walk a dog too, I knew we had to take both dogs.  After I thoroughly caffeinated myself and laid down the rules, “Noah you and Annie must be WAY ahead of Abby, Arthur, and I or WAY behind us”….we set on our way. 

The walk is supposed to be simple.  Walk up to the cul-de-sac (no not the one our house is located on but the one down the street) and back home.   

Everything was going fine.  There was the usual yelling, “Noah you and Annie are too close”, me.

“Wah, I stubbed my toe! ” Abby.

“Mom, call Annie! She won’t stop sniffing the tree!” Noah.

Then we got to the cul-de-sac.  I spotted “Marmaduke”.  You know..the one from the cartoon wh is all legs, jowls, doleful eyes and is falling all over himself. 

I was a pet sitter in another life and have gained some experience measuring a dog’s danger level.  This guy was an old, arthritic dog, out for his morning whiz, let out by Mom and Dad who didn’t bother to put him on a leash because, “precious Marmaduke wouldn’t hurt a fly.”  I was pretty sure he wouldn’t either but his eyes were trained on Arthur and Arthur on him.  Already Arthur was in his, “I’m going to get to tell you who is boss even though I am one sixteenth of your weight” stance. 

Thankfully, Noah and Annie were heeding my rules at this point and were a good distance behind but they were on their way there and I sensed trouble.

To make matters worse, I spotted ANOTHER DOG in the corner of my eye, two houses away.  We’ll call him Kojak- you know the dog that killed or maimed people in that old horror film.  I’d met this dog and my Spidey senses I mean pet sitter senses told me he was still psychotic and had a lot of energy and major chaos was going to ensue in seconds.

Just imagine a cowboy showdown as you read this (ya know, two men, guns pointed at each other, nobody willing to be the first to put the gun down, slowly backing away):

“Noah, stay right there.  In fact turn around as fast as you can.” Me

“What did you say Mom? ” Noah as he comes CLOSER to me (when will this child ever listen to his mom when she’s talking)

“Mommy!!” Abby crying because she stubbed her toe during all of this and it is bleeding (dear God, does there have to be another crisis?- my thoughts)

I’ve assessed the situation and decide that Marmaduke is a risk we will take but we have to get away from Kojak.

“Everybody let’s not do the cul-de-sac today.  Head home NOW!” Me in my high, trying to be sweet not panicked voice.

Miracle, of all miracles our dogs and the kids obey- wonders never cease- and we turn around.

I believe the angels God has assigned all three of us surrounded Kojak and told him not to move.  He didn’t and we got out of there. 

HOWEVER, Marmaduke decided to follow us…. all the way home.  He also decided he was very fond of me and covered my arms, hands, shirt and shorts in clay and saliva.  (I was a pretty successful pet sitter in my time because apparently, dogs really like me.)

Noah, of course was insisting that we take Marmaduke home and I said,

“Noah if we just go inside and mind our own business, he will get bored and go home.”

“What if he doesn’t know how to get home?” Noah.

Exasperated me,” Noah, just get in the house.  We have to start school.”

So, we begin school.

“Whi, whi, whi,” Okay, I don’t know how you type the whining sound of a dog through you garage door.

“Woof, woof, woof!!!!” Arthur responding back at the door.

A little of this for a while and then it gets quiet.  “Thank you Lord”.  I go to peek out the door and there is Marmaduke laying in front of our garage door.

“Mommy, I told you that you have to walk him home.” Noah in his brilliance.

“Fine.” Me resignedly.

Michael was in the house (trying without success to sleep)  so I left the kids with him and put old Marmaduke on a leash and walked him half way home.

I let him off the leash and told him to go home.  What do you think happened?  Yup, he followed me home.  But before we got back to the garage he decided to TAKE A DUMP ON MY NEIGHBORS LAWN! 

Did I stop to pick it up like a good neighbor? No way!  I hightailed it into my garage and put the garage door down before he could get in.

Patted, myself on the back and wiped my hands of the problem.

Not so fast…..minutes later Arthur is barking his head off at the fence gate in our backyard.  Noah and I peer out the den window and low, and behold, there’s Marmaduke!

He sees us peering through the blinds and proceeds to put both paws on the window and paw at us.

“Quick, close the blind!!” I yell at Noah…..

And here we are right now.  Held hostage by Marmaduke.

I just want to take a bow as I officially earned the badge for Crisis Analyzer and Responder today.

However, does anyone know of an online class I can take for hostage negotiations before Marmaduke figures out how to permanently interrupt my WiFi connection?

If you don’t hear from me in a couple of days put a police report in on a tan, gigantic, old dog, with soleful eyes, shaky, arthritic legs, lots of saliva……


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Nicci on September 19, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Heather – I am enjoying your blog so much. It makes me laugh out loud! Thanks for putting a smile on my face.


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